Yes, I am Going to Hell for This.

Chances are, if you recognize the above image, you either are completely disgusted, or some horrific memory has resurfaced and you are now puking all over the room. Or, if you’re a really really sick freak like me, a devilish grin has spread across your face, and you’re wondering how long it’s been since you read Tokyo Akazukin. Or, as I like to call it, Loli Alucard’s Incomprehensible Journey Through Hell.

The story is about little red riding hood, an 11-year old psycho with the sexiest eyes in the world. the story opens with her gleefully fucking some old dude. Mind you, a lot of effort is put into not ever showing a penis or vagina throughout the manga since this shit was actually published (if the hardcore christians knew about this, Japan would be burning to the ground this very moment XD). Regardless, the little girl pulls a shotgun out and gets into a huge battle with the police while in the nude… I shit you not, we’re like 5 pages in. What we learn about little Akazukin is that she works at some meat shop where they use humans to make their meat, or something like that. It’s run by a big dude with tusks, and there’s also this other chick who hangs out there when she isn’t running her cult. Anywho, the first of the four volumes centers around the crazy sex and violence this girl gets into. In the third chapter, we find out she is actually the fucking loli version of Alucard. She can morph her body, has a universe inside her mind, and can rape a sex-demon until it cries. Said sex demon is tuned into her pet cat by her will. There’s also a four-armed assassin girl that she meets in chapter four who, after a fucking awesome fight scene which involved chopping Akazukin in half and carving her up, joins her little friend club at the meat place.

Now, at first when I was reading this I was horribly disgusted. Mostly because the man who Akazukin were shagging were disgusting looking old men. However, once I figured out that she was a fucking crazy demon thing it didn’t bother me as much. I forgot to mention that Akazukin has no memories of her past, only knowing that she wants to be eaten by ‘Mr. Wolf’ and that she is supposed to do innumerable bad things. Aka s also the queen of all masochists. In battle, she lets herself get torn apart before she fights back, and always loves a good hard fucking. Once again – I shit you not.

Volume 2 has more of the crazy sex, awesome fights, and assorted violence, however we also start to see a semblance of plot. SEMBLANCE. And then volume 3 hits like a fucking bomb – suddenly there’s this HUGE STREAM of PLOOOOOOOOOOT. And let me tell you, it is THE single most confusing fucking plot ever. The dialog is horrible for starters, and the TL group made a point to show that it wasn’t their fault, the original manga was just confusing as all fuck. The plot involve alternate worlds, a battle between heaven and hell, the end of the world, Akazukin’s son from her past life, and all kinds of other shit that comes out all at once, and is explained in the most contrived way imaginable. Honestly, I was almost ready to give up on it around here because Akazukin herself, the entire fun part of the story, barely showed up all volume and when she did she was having some weird personality crisis where different parts of her memory were getting remembered or forgotten, and it was just weird.

However, volume 4 more than made up for it with THE craziest motherfucking battle and subsequent rape scene in the whole manga and the almost-overly-sudden wrapping up of the plot which involved tons of mindfuck and a confusing-as-shit ending. Yeah. It was like a mixture of Hellsing and Evangelion Re-Take.

The best part for me was probably near the middle of volume 2 where Akazukin kills this fat crazy lolicon guy – her body has been chainsawed to pieces and the guy is apparently rapping her through the gut. He thinks he’s won and shit, but then her body starts reshaping and constricting his junk. Aka says how she kind of likes him and wants him to become a part of her. She starts assimilating his entire body, and then her arm suddenly plunges out of his stomach. While he’s freaking out, she kisses him and moves her head away, then her leg suddenly tears right out of his esophagus, mutilating his face – which then begins melting into hers as her entire body moves inside of his. Then, she appears as a whole again and the remainder of the man’s body explodes to reveal her. It’s as completely fucking disgusting as it sounds, and totally fucking awesome.

I would recommend that NO ONE should EVER read Tokyo Akazukin EVER PERIOD because it is disgusting and freakish and offesnive beyond your wildest imagination, plus the writing is total shit. However, I enjoyed it because Every part of ‘a loli with Alucard powers’ is PURE WIN, and I’VE SEEN WORSE. Plus the fights were great.